Things with Charles are estranged. I'm just hitting that point I always do, but I don't WANT to. I just can't seem to get myself out of it. I try so hard, but then something just sets me off and I'm feeling the same way all over again. I know things will be perfect once summer comes around again, but I hate doing this to him right now. I'm just going to keep trying. I'm so sorry, Charles.
Babysitting is one of the best things in my life, who would have ever thought that would have happened, someone who used to turn down babysitting jobs all the time. The boys are my little brothers, and I feel so much love for them and take so much pride and care in watching over them. I love every afternoon I spend with them-I just get to act like a child for 2 hours every night. We play outside, I've gotten the boys to constantly act and come up with games with me. One of our favorites is where we play General Store, Brendon is the customer, I wear this hideous blonde Dolly Parton wig and call myself Hank and Donny is named Sally. We love to watch Drake and Josh after we're done playing every night and waiting for our mamas, TLC shows, and Jeff Corwin Experience, and watch Ice Age in the basement. We build forts, we run around and shout, we play in the creek, we tackle each other, we do impersonations. Especially now that the weather is nice, I love taking them outside. I used to partially dread going out in the cold to play. THe boys are so curious and love to tell me everything that happens in their little lives, and hear about all the things I do in highschool and have learned, and they teach me all about things in nature, and I teach them anything they want to know about being a teenager. We just eat up our time together and I'll be really sad when my job ends at the end of the school year. But then I get to have an entire camp summer filled with Donny and Brendons. I can't wait.
Driving is going awesome. I'm hoping to take my 5 hr this weekend, then learn how to parallel park, then take my road test as soon as possible. It's amazing that I can do the things I used to have so much trouble with without event hinking about it. I still suck at parking, though, no thanks to my Mama.
I really need to get a 2nd job and am trying desperately to get one. It's hard though, because I can only work random hours. But I have to pay for my prom ticket and dress, my college deposit, my last senior trip payment. Plus I need to get all sorts of things for camp, and spring clothing. There are just too many things that need paying for and nowhere near enough money to pay for all of it. I have no idea what to do.
Things with Steve SUCK. I was already left behind because of his new friend Coralie and now he's got a girlfriend. He didn't even show up to my play this weekend. It hurts so much and at the same time I feel such hate for him. He keeps trying, but it's never enough. Too little, too late, buddy. And the worst thing is I know how he really feels and yet he keeps destroying everything. I have no idea what's going to happen.
I went to Clark's Gully today after the play and strike with Laura,Lauren, Liz, Liz's boyfriend Michael and Liz's brothers. I wasn't asked at first, but I asked if I could go along because I need to get myself out of this shy habit. My dad always tells me "How do you think all these people always go out and do things? They ask if they can. No one's invited to EVERYTHING.", so I have to learn to be more assertive. I just have this huge fear that I won't be wanted or they'll resent that I invited myself, or I'll be bored. No matter how much less-self conscious and confident I've become the last year or so, I'm still so shy about hanging out with people. I'm hoping college will cure me of it, I always do great in situations where I'm meeting new people, like camp every summer. I'm fearless. But when it comes to people I've known, it's hard.
All in all, I'm happy. I've got good things going for me, and things always seem to work themselves out somehow for me. Corny and hypocritical as it sounds, my faith has helped me and helps me remain focused and strong. I try hard everyday, and things always work out, so I just need to keep going. The spring is here, which means a whole new time of highschool. I can't believe things are drawing to the end so fast. But it's all been worth it. Now's the time to really try to put myself out there.